Neighborhood Cult Blog

Five years ago, a handful of scrappy comedians fled New Orleans, came to Austin and built a comedy empire out of an empty store room with with their bare hands. With no money or support (unless you count the superlative contributions of the Austin Improv Community, The Frank Mills, our students, performers and the owners of I Luv Video and Spider House), and after a hundred trips to Home Depot and Habitat For Humanity for lumber and supplies, ColdTowne rose from the ashes of misfortune to blah blah blah.

Look, we’ll be honest here. We never in a million years dreamed we’d be as successful as we are right now. But our community of artists, comedians and nerd do wells is bursting at the seams. In the four short years since we’ve been open, we’ve grown from a humble 900 square foot room in the back of I Luv Video with three shows a week to over 15 shows a week, 130 active performers, 10 faculty members, 100 students, and hundreds more graduates from our improv and sketch comedy programs. And it’s not just us either. The Austin comedy community has grown to include five separate improv training centers and theaters, not to mention the explosion in sketch and stand up comedy. We need more space.

We CANNOT make the move without your help

Make no mistake, the process has begun. We’ve pulled the trigger. There’s no looking back now. Renovations alone will cost in excess of $25,000 (you’d be surprised how expensive a little thing like operating legally costs). There are ways you can help.

1. First, visit our kickstarter page and make a contribution. We’ll be auctioning off naming rights to literally every fixture in the building. Right now theater seats are going for $500 (There are only 50). Too rich for your blood? That’s okay! We’ve got plenty of premiums for people not able to commit to more money.
2. We’re selling shares of our holding company, Jam City LLC. We’re looking for equity investors looking to get involved with a growing arts space. Contact Michael Jastroch at (512) 423-4209 or at jastroch [at] gmail [dot] com.
3. Finally, help spread the word! Twitter. Facebook. Hell, even myspace. If you love ColdTowne Theater and want to see us grow, spread the word to your friends and family. Every single little but will help us.

We wouldn’t be where we are without the support of Austin Comedy fans or the local arts community. Your patronage has meant the world to us, and we hope that you’ll get involved in getting us a more permanent home!

Special thanks to Vicky Boone, as well as the guys at Fueld and Idea City for the gig. Extra special props to Golfsmith, whose fine selection of high quality golf related products come with my professional guarentee.

The shoot was super fun. It’s always refreshing to work with people who know how to make something funny. I didn’t want to tell them, though, that they were paying me for pretty much what I’d be doing anyway (read: playing air guitar, acting like a doofus, making sexy faces).

If any other sports related products want my endorsement, you can contact me through this website. I’m looking at you, Nike.

All of these workshops are $20. They will all be great fun and informative. I promise! If you take all 4, there’s a $15 discount! These are great for

“Michael Jastroch is great at stripping scenework down to its essentials. He keeps things simple and low-key, but he also has the intelligence and experience to back up what he’s saying. I trust some teachers because they’re supportive, and I trust others because they’re smart. I trust Jastroch because he’s both.”
— Former Student John Ratliff

“”Mike has a way of teaching that is direct and detailed while still being gentle and wholly supportive. As a teacher, he has an eye for detail as well as an understanding of the overall picture of a piece.”
— Former Student Stephanie Cook

Michael Jastroch writes and performs with ColdTowne, winning several awards for his improv including “Best Comedy Group 2008” in the Austin Chronicle Reader’s poll and the B. Iden Payne award for “Outstanding Improv Ensemble.” His sketch project, Lovey and Lovey, won Best of Fest at the 2005 Lone Star Sketch Festival and the 2008 Frontera Fringe Festival as well as a Critic’s Pick in the 2008 Austin Chronicle Reader’s Poll. Michael is the Executive Director of the ColdTowne Theater and teaches and directs sketch and improv at the ColdTowne Conservatory. Michael was nominated for best teacher at the Austin Improv Collective Awards and the group he directs, Midnight Society, was nominated for a B. Iden Payne Theater Award. Michael has taught his improv workshops all over the country, including at the Oberlin College Improv Festival, the Gila Monster Improv Fest in Tuscon, Arizona and at the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival in Chapel Hill.

GET OUT OF YOUR F’ING HEAD
Wednesday, April 14th, 6-8pm — $20
Register
Limit: 14 People
This workshop will center on focus and listening exercises to help you become more engaged in the moment, physical and mental exercises to unlock the wealth of ideas trapped inside your brain and even some Gestalt therapy and some good old-fashioned scene work. Students will throw out any baggage they have about screwing up and relearning how to play. This workshop is for beginning and intermediate players.

UNLOCKING LOGIC AND MEMORY IN IMPROV
Wednesday, April 21st, 6-8pm — $20
Register
Limit: 10 People
Improvisers spend years and thousands of dollars learning how to tune out the higher functions of their mathematical mind and operate on instinct. Students will work on reintroducing their headspace into the scene work with a combination of memory games, pattern recognition and Gestalt-based exercises. There’s a reason that many of the top improvisers come from a computer science or mathematical background. This workshop will give your left brain a work out and send you home with exercises that will kick your improv into high gear.

CHASE THE FUNNY
Wednesday, April 28th, 6-8pm — $20
Register
Limit: 10 People
In this workshop, students will explore a broader, more playful definition of game as it relates to improv and free themselves from rote obligation to patterns. Beef up your funny in scenes by rethinking what it means to play games.

BE REASONABLE/BE UNREASONABLE
Wednesday, May 5th, 6-8pm — $20
Register
Limit: 10 People
Abbot and Costello. Laurel and Hardy. Batman and Robin. Comedy is filled with duos who have mastered the straight/absurd dynamic. Students will explore what it means to be the “straight man” and what it means to have the “absurd” point of view, how to recognize both in a scene, and how to stop this dynamic from getting repetitive.

REGISTER FOR ALL FOUR WORKSHOPS HERE

I should be a good writer. But I’m a bad writer. A bad, bad writer who doesn’t write. Instead, please enjoy this embedded video that I had nothing to do with, other than hosting its creators at ColdTowne Theater.

First, I’d like to welcome you all to the 2009 Arby’s, Inc share holder’s meeting. Mr. Chairman, esteemed board members, and my fellow share holders, I am pleased to announce that the state of Arby’s is strong. In the past year, we’ve recommitted ourselves to our core mission, and in doing so, have once again increased our market share and profit margins. (applause)

What is that mission? First, we must answer this question: who are we? We are mavericks in the world of fast food, offering unique and better tasting alternatives to our competitors. And we’ve been mavericks for for over 45 years. (applause)

What drives our success? Oven roasted, thinly sliced roast beef sandwiches piled high and smothered in cheddar? Our tangy Horsey Sauce? Curly fries? Jamocha Shakes? The Pepper Jack Belt Buster? Our Chocolate Gravy Melts? If you answered yes or nodded your head, you’re only partially right. (laughter, applause)

I believe, and I think you’ll agree with me, that what really drives our success and growth is our dedication to innovaiton. Yes, that’s right. Innovation. It’s that spirit of innovation that made Gary Jacobsen, Arby’s franchisee number 1198, to increase his sales 25% by putting cheese dispensers at every single booth (applause). Or franchisee number 2489, Troy Axeford, to include cookie bread on the menu for the very first time (applause). Or Ted Margaritte, from right here in Gary, to turn all his menu items into an anagram (applause).

Okay, settle down. Settle down. (laughter)

Innovation. One word. Four syllables. Earth changing ideas. And today, fellow share holders, we bring to you an innovation that our development team thinks will forever change the way the nation consumes fast food. It’s okay, you can applaud there. (laughter, applause)

We began this process by asking ourselves a simple question. Why do people like to eat fast food? And, on behalf of the development team, the board of directors, the Chairman, and myself, I believe you will be excited by what we came up with — a radically new business model that will propel Arby’s, inc. into the future.

We believe that people want to eat fast food, Arby’s in particular, because they cannot make the food themselves. Our proposal is to teach the consumer how to make Arby’s delicious roasted beef sandwhiches by offering a series of training seminars and workshops, taught by our staff of fast food employees, counter people and staff. (applause)

Not only will this business model open up a valuable new revenue stream, it will change our relationship with the customer base from a simple producer-consumer dynamic to a community of producer/consumer/producers. We believe that people will be so excited by the prospect of making Big Montanas and that their desire to create them will be so impossible to saetiate, that they will voluntarily work in our fast food kitchens after taking our seminars simply for the joy of cooking, providing a free labor force. (applause)

Of course, as a token gesture, students and graduates from Arby’s University (laughter) will continue to eat at Arby’s for free. As more of our paying customers take our Arby’s seminars, we will need to do this to shore up our Arby’s consumer base. Those Cheese Shakes aren’t going to drink themselves! (laughter, applause)

Of course, we’ve anticipated the problems that this re-imagining of our business model will cause. Naturally, as more students and less experienced students man the kitchen, food quality and service will inevitably suffer as people start learning the ropes. The solution we arrived at was to make sure at least one item on every tray was cooked or prepared by a fully trained staff member, so that our paying customers will always walk away at least partially satisfied. (applause)

This is the only problem we foresee. (applause)

This is an exciting time for Arby’s. We are on the verge of a 21st century model for capitalism and consumption. We envision each Arby’s restaurant will be a hub of fast food scholarship. As these communities grow, lively debates on the nature and proper execution of Roasted Beef will flourish. Small regional differences between each restaurant will develop over time, as teachers and students evolve their own styles and philosophies. Eventually, we foresee a time when some Arby’s are unrecognizable from other Arby’s restaurants. (applause) And this ongoing dialogue will benefit and further the art of Roast Beef for all time.

This is an exciting time. Again, on behalf of the Board of Directors, I’d like to thank you for your ongoing support. With this fool proof model, we look forward to future profit windfalls and next year’s share holder meeting! (applause)

Kick Punch Magazine, America’s premier journal of Ultimate Karate, was founded in 1983 by Major Norman Leftsky, a retired Civil Air Patrol squadron commander. Leftsky joined the Civil Air Patrol at the age of 13 after lying about his age on an admissions form, not realizing that the Civil Air Patrol recruited children as young as seven into their Summer camps.

After serving two full tours of duty at the Trumbull Shopping Park in Southern Connecticut, Leftsky began circulating fliers outside of Kmart detailing his special Ultimate Karate techniques. His techniques – based more on hypotheticals, rather than on any training or fighting experience – quickly struck a chord among the local population of imaginary fighting enthusiasts.

As Leftsky’s popularity grew, so too did the number of people who thought well of him.  With increased recognition, Leftsky was able to expand Kick Punch from a hand copied, one page flier to a multi page, stapled publication printed on his mom’s Xerox.

By 1985, Leftsky was able to open the first Ultimate Karate School in the alleyway behind the Community Cinema in downtown Trumbull. His followers, who affectionately called themselves Ultimate Karate Guys, gathered there each night to train under Leftsky. Lacking proper protective gear, Leftsky was often forced to bury his students in a protective layer of garbage from the movie theater’s dumpsters. Later, this same problem would lead to Leftsky’s first major Ultimate- Karate training innovation, pretend or “brain” fighting.

During these training sessions, Leftsky’s students would pretend to strike each other in slow motion at a distance of five feet or more. The Ultimate Karate hopefuls would reproduce sound effects that approximated how hard they thought their blows had struck their opponents. A “fwap” sound was the equivalent of a light slap and could be shrugged off with a wince, while a more devastating “douche” sound indicated that a powerful, rib-shattering blow had landed during the brain fight.

As Leftsky’s star continued to rise, Kick Punch Magazine began attracting advertisers who’s products fit the Kick Punch demographic of 13 to 45 year old boys.  Late ‘80s fads like land monkeys, taser gloves, and breaded nun chucks, owe much of their success to their placement in Kick Punch and Leftsky’s marketing genius.

Of course, with all this success came a dark side. Kick Punch Magazine began attracting mercenary ads from around the globe. The back pages of Kick Punch soon became the go to depository of hired killers, flesh merchants, and porcelain angel collectors.

Many of these mercenary ads resulted in violence. One ad, taken out in 1988, led to contract killing of Jimmy Carter’s god-nephew, Forage Carter. The wrongful death lawsuit that was filed against Leftsky and Kick Punch was thrown out in 1990’s landmark Supreme Court case Kick Punch v. Kick Punch, where it was ruled that Leftsky could not sue himself. Later lawsuits and legal action such as Leftsky vs. Morginson, wherein the classified ad “Miracle Mustache Wax” led to the accidental cannibalism death of a 22 year-old migrant farmer, were similarly thrown out of court.

Nonetheless, the legal complaints soon bankrupted Leftsky’s business, and he was forced to sell Kick Punch to United Publishing Partners. Leftsky continues to practice Ultimate Karate and champion the imaginary combat movement. Meanwhile, Kick Punch Magazine, The Journal of Ultimate Karate Tactics continues to be published to this day, albeit under the name Budget Gourmet.

From my brief career as Weekly World News Art Director. These were all rejected, which is unfortunate, cause they were much funnier than the ones they ended up running.

Former President Regan: “I support Barack Obama.”

Evolution Disproven

Read the rest of this entry »

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include these somewhere. My art projects of yore:

This is one of a whole series of collages that I did when I was first learning photoshop. I have no idea what this means, but I think it has a lot to teach us about the current Middle East situation. Read the rest of this entry »

Stop right there, friend!

I see you ogling my signage. No, no. There’s no use denying it. I am a man who can tell when another man’s curiosity is piqued. Be it at the burlesque or the bathhouse, it has been said that I have a nose for wandering eyes.

You are no doubt wondering as to what wonderment my humble marquis refers. But isn’t it obvious? Why, it refers to the most interesting attraction, which, as the sign indicates, is coming soon to this very booth.

Ah, of course.  I’ve seen that look before. Incredulity! I’d know it as surely as I’d know my mother’s milk, which is to say far too well to be good for my reputation.

If you would permit me, sir, the pleasure of assuring you most respectfully that I am not a carnie of ill repute. Rather, I am a carnie who has the very best sort of repute among my people.

Ha! Very good, sir: a wonderful jape at my own expense! Never in a million years have I heard a more hilarious and accurate observation directed at my comical appearance and admittedly fowl odor.

Permit me, for a moment, to regale you with anecdotal evidence of my many splendid accomplishments, so that they might entice you to enter my booth and wait for the promised attraction, which is, I promise, coming very soon.

Sir, I was at the great depression and, having voted for FDR, take full credit for our glorious country’s eventual economic recovery.  Having been to Europe several times prior to the onset of the Great War (the Second, that is), I am responsible for the detailed maps that enabled the allies to properly execute their planned invasion. And it was a chance encounter with a French maiden that foretold the Battle of the Bulge and the subsequent exhaustion and retreat of the once turgid and robust German Wehrmacht.

It was at this time that I chanced upon a process by which simple hops can be brewed into beer and hopes and dreams can be turned into whisky.  And let me say this, let no man tell you that rainbows cannot be caught and domesticated.

I challenged FDR to a 53 round bare boned boxing match officiated by his dear wife Eleanor.  That’s bare boned and not knuckled, mind you. We flayed the skin off our hands and I beat that dirty cigarette-extension-using-new-deal-creating-chief-executive within an inch of his polio-ridden life, which is to say to death. (And I’ll make no apology for that, my friend!)

Shortly thereafter I piloted a sled to the moon, powered by the great science of fission and General MacArthur’s attitude problem. I lobbied for the forced integration of Moon people with those of Anglo-Saxon stock here on Earth. My ideas  were stolen by the Supreme Court for their famous decision Brown Vs. Education decision. Also, television was my idea and it was supposed to have more dragons on it. I once ate an entire tree, and I wrote a eulogy for Hemingway which was deemed too terse to deliver.

Sir? Sir? Very well sir. Perhaps next time, then? Please come back and check this space for more exciting announcements of events and doings most grand!

I, Patterson Rucksetter, a resident of Pine Bluff, Texas, being of sound and disposing mind and memory and over the age of eighteen years and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud, mistake, or undue influence, do make, publish, and declare this to be my last Will and testament.

I.  MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN
I am married to Patricia Rucksetter, and all references in this Will to my Wife are references to Patricia Rucksetter.  I have the following children:
Name: Daniel Meredith Rucksetter DOB: 3/20/1968
Name: Truck Guitar Rucksetter DOB: 3/29/1969
Name:  Burlap Dragonship Rucksetter DOB: 3/08/1970
Name: Endless Shrimp Rucksetter DOB: 3/11/1972

II.  EXECUTOR: I appoint attorney Endless Shrimp Rucksetter (esq.) of the law firm Rosenberg, Hellmen and Rucksetter as Executor of this my Last Will and Testament and provide if this Executor is unable or unwilling to serve then I appoint Channel 5’s Action Weather Lady, Lucy Noland as alternate Executor.

III.  GUARDIAN: In the event I shall die as the sole parent of minor children, then I appoint Patricia Rucksetter as Guardian of said minor children. If this named Guardian is unable or unwilling to serve, then I appoint The God-damned TV as alternate Guardian.

IV.  BEQUESTS:
I will, give, and bequeath unto the persons named below, if he or she survives me, the Property described below:

Name: David Rucksetter
Address: 2615 Harlan Court Drive
Relationship: Brother
Property: To my brother, I leave my most prized and cherished possessions, my dented 1965 Red Ford Mustang, my duct tape and cinder block collection and my large plastic tarp.

Name: Daniel Meredith Rucksetter
Address: 70 Terror Court
Relationship: Son
Property: To my eldest son, I leave this recently purchased unitard and girlish wig as a reminder of his continued failure to earn my respect.

Name: Patricia Rucksetter
Address: 608 Derry Way
Relationship: Wife
Property: To my lovely wife, I leave my collection of off brand shot glasses and 50 Commemorative State Gin bottles.

Name: Truck Guitar Rucksetter
Address: 608 Derry Way
Relationship: Son
Property: Truck, my awesome son, I leave you my beloved 1956 Fender Stratocaster. Remember: “Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.” Please forgive me for crushing your hands.

Name: Endless Shrimp Rucksetter
Address: Law Offices of Rosenberg, Hellmen and Rucksetter, 1193 Ferry Boat Center, ste. 4
Relationship: Son
Property: I’m sorry, Did’jew say something?

Name: Burlap Dragonship Rucksetter
Address: 608 Derry Way
Relationship: Daughter
Property: To my only daughter, my precious little star, I leave you the ET Light Brite and Kraft Family Fun Size Pack in hopes that you will remember the good times we had planning your first wedding.

Name: Rover Dangerfield Rucksetter
Address: 608 Derry Way
Relationship: Dog
Property: Nothing. He knows what he did.

VII.  ALL REMAINING PROPERTY; RESIDUARY CLAUSE: I give, devise, and bequeath all of the rest, residue, and remainder of my estate to my daughter, Burlap Dragonship Rucksetter. I make no provision for my other children, knowing that, as their parent, my ghost will continue to haunt them long after I die.  If my wife does not survive me, then I’ll see her in hell according to the order of intestate succession in the State of Texas.

VIII.  ADDITIONAL POWERS OF THE EXECUTOR: My Executor shall have the following additional powers with respect to my estate, to be exercised from time to time at my Executor’s discretion without further license or order of any court: Please remember to run the lawn sprinkler every afternoon from 3-5pm in my memory and to keep my subscription to Boy’s Life current.

X.  OPTIONAL PROVISIONS: I have placed my initials next to the provisions below that I adopt as part of this Will. Any unmarked provision is not adopted by me and is not a part of this Will.

PR Beneficiaries to this Will are hereby directed to begin work filming my screenplay (attached herein), One if by Murder!(A Frank Bernard Mystery). Failure to adhere to this clause will result in the forfeiture of the beneficiaries natural rights.

PR Any and all debts of my estate shall first be accumulated in the Pine Bluff, Texas town square and then burned in sight of the city council, particularly department of sanitation head Jon Swelton.

PR I direct that my remains be cremated and that the ashes be disposed of in the following manner: Mixed in with the town’s water supply by whatever means neccessary.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I, Patterson Rucksetter, hereby set my hand to this last Will, on each page of which I have placed my initials, on this 13 day of September, 2005 at Pine Bluff, State of Texas.